Maggie: IUI failed again…Adoption pre-approval received

So today I got my adoption “pre-approval” in the mail.  Then I read how much the cost is.  MORE than IVF.  WHAT!?!?!?  I’m in such a confused/frustrated state right now.  3 years of infertility, 2 failed IUI’s and insurance that pays for absolutely nothing.  It’s not that my husband and I can’t afford to do IVF or adopt, it’s just to spend $15,000-$20,000 for something that has no guarantee of working seems insane.  A friend of mine did 4 IUIs and 3 IVFs.  She finally had twins, but I don’t even want to add up how much all that cost.  And I guess if I KNEW it would work it would be worth it, but it’s like going to Vegas and shooting craps at the high roller table but you don’t even get free snacks or drinks!

I guess I just never in my wildest dreams thought I couldn’t have a baby.  Seems that every unwed, unemployed, unhealthy woman I know can get pregnant just from looking at a complete stranger, but my wonderful husband and I are stuck in limbo.

And then, to be honest, I really resent being judged as to whether or not my husband and I are fit to raise child by some 15 year old who “thinks” she got pregnant at prom.  I want to say…you weren’t even smart enough to use a condom and there are 3 people who could be the dad.  And you are sitting in judgment of me?!  UGH!!!!  I guess all I can do is laugh at the irony.  Laugh or cry.  Those are my only two options.  And I’ve definitely cried enough.

I’m just venting out of sheer frustration.  I currently have 17 friends who are pregnant.  That’s 1.42 baby showers I will shop for and/or attend this year (and that’s assuming no one else gets pregnant).  I’m happy for all the other people, but it’s so hard sitting there guessing how round the mom’s tummy is and listening to everyone talk about how motherhood is the best thing in the world and how I really should think about getting pregnant.  I want to say…REALLY….gosh that never once dawned on me.  Thanks for the heads up. I’ll get right on it now that you mentioned it.

Another friend of mine adopted and had her son home for almost 3 months when she got the call that the birth mother changed her mind and my friend and her husband had to give the baby back.  That is a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, let a alone a friend.  I don’t understand how our laws a written.  A child isn’t something you put on lay-away….ask someone to hold for you…and then come back and pick it up a few months later.  I’m sure the laws are they way they are for a reason, but I just don’t get it.  Going through all this is difficult enough, but I don’t know how I could get over having to give my child back.

So I didn’t confirm yet with the adoption agency (we’re supposed to go to an orientation) and I didn’t let my RE know when/if I’m coming in for IVF.  I just need some time to think and pray.

I’ll let you know when I make a decision.

Peace, Love and Babies,

Maggie

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The Adventures of Babymamawannabe is an intelligent, lively discussion about the ups and downs of trying to conceive.  We’re not saying it’s original.  We’re just needing a forum.  Visit our site for weekly updates from various folks in the process of getting knocked up.  Enjoy!